The report on how Kenyans
faired on Google in 2014 is out and guess what, it’s the usual suspects who are
topping google searches – Vera Sidika, English Premier League (EPL) and, “Panda
Mbegu” mastermind, Pastor Kanyari.
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| Vera Sidika |
Kenya News -- While Kenya has witnessed a tremendous growth in online
activity, Kenyans haven’t figured out a better use of the World Wide Web other
than for quenching and complementing their entertainment wants—stalking local socialites to boost one’s gossip IQ; devouring all EPL
content for the sole purpose of charming friends and strangers alike during debates
on which team will do what, what changes should be made when and where, which
player is the biggest letdown, how much they gained or lost by purchasing so
and so, etc. etc.
EPL football evaluations, discussions and recommendations
are held everywhere in Kenya – Barber shops, passenger pickup points, watchmen’s
shade, in “chums” (narrow dangerous slum paths), Miraa (Khat) shades, and most importantly,
while in the company of football-learned friends, probably imbibing a favorite
drink at mama pima’s or sipping away Jebels and Moon Walkers in tiny Wines and
Spirits shops in Nairobi West.
What did the report say?
The report was broken down in categories: in the “symptom
search” category, terrified Kenyans gave first priority to Ebola, beating
diabetes to the second spot and hypertension to third.
In the “how to”
category, Kenyans strangely searched for “how to survive” more than anything
else (Will come back to this later in the article). “How to network” come in
second, and “how to date” third.
in the “what is” category, top searches included what is transcoding and what is endometriosis, this seems to have been
learning activities in some university, proving my point that the wider
majority of Kenyans go online to look for opportunities to troll and to get
entertained (you must have heard of the Twitter warfare wedged by KOT against
Nigerians, South Africans, etc). Students basically use the free internet
provided by universities to learn about EPL, celebrity gossip, download porn,
Jicho pevu and watch Episodes of American and Mexican soaps.
In the “trending
people category”, Kenyans gave first priority to none other their very own light
skin-toned and bootylicious Vera Sidika, followed by Otieno Kajwang, a former ODM senator who died recently and which dominated Kenya News. The third and fourth most searched people were
Angel Di Maria (Manchester United Player) and Myles Munroe, respectively.
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| United "DAMU" = Manchester United Forever |
Overall, the most searched was OLX at number one, English Premier
League at second sport, followed by Higher Education Loans Board, the KRA. Pastor Kanyari was somewhere in top 10.
How to survive?
It beats logic to think that the very Kenyans wasting time
on gossip are at the same people looking for survival tricks. Or did they mean
search for how to survive Al-Shabaab attack or Ebola attack? If it is “how to
survive” hard economic realities then there is no better advice than asking my
fellow Kenyans to dedicate a large proportion of their time to productive endeavors.
